I've been meaning to blog for a while. Well, I've been meaning to do a lot of things for a while. Like pack. Or job search. Instead I've been semi comatose in my comfy little bed.
I've been sleeping around the clock, waking up long enough to take more medicine and then back to bed. I haven't even watched Buffy in the last four days.
Today was the first day that I finally believe the medicine Dr.Sutton gave is working and not just a virus that will gradually turn me into a zombie. Or maybe it is a virus that is suppose to turn me into a zombie but it turns out I'm immune.
Either way, I feel slightly like a human being again. Alive one, that is.
Having spent the last few days in bed has left me restless. And nervous. There has been some unexpected road work happening on my path of life and I'm not sure if I should wait till it's fixed or find a detour. Lying in bed for a few days doing lots of thinking but little doing has made me very restless indeed. However, I am restless with no energy. So I made a blanket fort underneath the stairs.
It is perfect size for snuggling under my blanket and enjoying my new book that my mom was gracious enough to provide me with. It also makes me feel like a rebel for leaving my bed. The stairs act as a perfect shelf for my hot tea, as long as Ryan doesn't knock it over accidently. In my blanket fort I am safe, isolated from the harsh world. I kinda of like it in here.
But as comfy as I have been in my little blanket fort I know I shall have to leave it soon. There is too much to do and I have already wasted too much time in bed. In a day or two I will be staying with the wonderful Andy who plays guitar and has great taste in movies and books. I'll get to visit with the lovely Lachelle and her hippie husband whenever I feel like walking the six blocks to their house. I'll get to see other cousins and friends too. And I'm excited, even if I don't have the energy to show that excitment.
I'm not sure what is going to happen next. Either way, I think it's time I left the safety of my blanket fort.
I've tried to talk to you about this several times before, but you just keep bringing me down. You're a real debbie downer do you realize that? I've made good friends with Hope and Dreams these last few months. The three of us have hung out numerous times, and even planned something of a future together. But I've learned something. You, Reality, you are just too jealous. Just when Hopes and Dreams and I are getting along, you come crashing the party. And no one likes a party pooper. I've tried to be a good friend to you over the years, but lately, well, you're just bumming me out. Please go on an extended vacation. Maybe you will come back refreshed and cheery. That'd be nice. Then maybe we can give this friendship another go.
I try to downplay it, but I've had a new obsession for the last two months or so. I try to downplay it because 1) I hate admitting that I'm addicted to something. Addiction means lack of control. I like to pretend like I have control over myself. That there aren't moments when I feel helpless, moments when I feel constrained by my own ineptitude, moments when I only see a bleak future, moments when I only see a futureless present.. Don't be mistaken. These are only moments. 99% of my days are spent with a smile on my lips and spring in my step. But everyone has moments. Most of the time I choose to ignore my moments. Ignoring the darkness is how I deal with it. Except for the occasional times when I wallow in it. Those are times when I willingly give up my control. Those times usually involve ice cream.
But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.
My recent obsession. The second reason I downplay it is cause it's kind of outdated. And by outdated I mean that I'm addicted to a tv series that was big in the 90's. See, I've recently discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer on dvd. And have been feverishly watching episode after episode. I missed the trend when it was on tv. At the time I was attending dance classes and had dreams that involved stages. There was no time for tv. So now, some ten years later here I am, loving Buffy. Wanting to talk about each development, discuss characters and their developments, wanting to chat about the dreaminess of Angel. Ahhem. Anyways. So there you have it. I've outed myself. I'm a Buffyholic.
Why the sudden need to confess, you ask? Because a scene in the latest episode I watched brought a flurry of thoughts to my mind. Thoughts that I need to write down, lest I lose sleep while chasing them down in the corridors of my mind.
The scene was simple. Buffy and Riley wake up in the morning, both start to get ready for their day, Riley realizes Buffy is mad at him by her silent treatment and says "I've only been up for a minute and I've already managed to piss you off. What'd I do?". The scene continues, but that's not what is important to this post. What struck me so hard was what happened in that few short minutes of screen time. It was a typical couple fight. One we've all had. One person is miffed at a perceived slight, the other person doesn't even realize a fight has begun. Sarcasm is exchanged until there is either heated words, or someone is the bigger person and works for reconciliation. Sometimes there is make up sex. That's always nice. Sometimes there is more fighting and storming off. With luck, there is at some point reconciliation and make up sex.
All this goes through my head, along with this thought-
It's been a long time since I've gone through those motions.
A long time since I've felt miffed at someone for a perceived slight.
A long time since I've picked a fight with a loved someone simply because I was feeling angsty.
A long time since I've fought with someone over something stupid.
Because it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship.
And with that thought, I realized how nice it's been. No petty fights. No angsty feelings that are misdirected because I haven't have time to realize what the real issue is. When I'm in a relationship I'm with that person. All the time. I like being with the person I'm in love with. I like having them around. I pretty sure I'm not an anomaly in this area. But because of that, the person that I care most about sometimes has to deal with my shit. I always make it up to them (make up sex!), but I still feel badly.
And it's been nice, not having those petty fights. I've really come to cherish my alone time. Now, when I feel angsty or girly, I have time to examine these feelings. Find the true source of said feelings and either work them out, or come to grips with them. I feel more centered now then I ever have in my life.
Armed with this new knowledge, I wonder. When I enter a new relationship, will I do better this time? Will this relationship go smoother, will there be fewer fights now that I understand myself a little better? Or will I slide back into old habits, having petty fights and forgetting to show him how much I care for him?
I hope not.
Watching that scene also triggered another line of thoughts. Or rather, emotions. And that was this-
It's been a long time since I've woken up next to someone on a daily basis.
A long time since someone has held me when I felt broken.
A long time since I've been so close to someone that our emotions bleed together.
When friends ask me how I am I always pause, then tell them I'm fine. This is truth. I am fine. I love my roommate, my job, my friends, my life. I'm at one of my happiest points in my life. Life is definitely good. But still, when they ask how I am, I pause. Now I know why.
I would love for this to be a long, involved post about my recent backpacking adventure. I really would. And I'm sure you'd love to be bored by said long, involved post. But since I've been home for all of two hours and have done nothing but shower and drink lots of water you will have to settle for a picture or two.
Before the weekend is over I'll tell you all about it. I promise. Maybe.
I swear this is not a workout journal. It's just that I am really proud of myself. For the second time ever I completed the crossfit workout as stated. And as boring as it may sound to you... it makes me pretty happy.
So today's workout was 1 mile run 21 pull ups 21 thrusters* 800 meter run 15 pull ups 15 thrusters 400 meter run 9 pull ups 9 thrusters
I realize that posting this probably makes me sound like a fanatic. It also probably frustrates the hell out of my poor triathlon training partner Rachael, seeing as she has worked out with me numerous times and every time I complain and whine. Don't worry Rachael, I whine and complain during crossfit too. However, I bragged about my first 26 mile cycle ride on the B-Line, and I'm just as proud of completing a crossfit workout.
You know what is also fun? One could turn the speakers up full blast while playing Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation after a workout. Sliding out of clothes and letting water from the shower rain down on their tired muscles. If one close their eyes, lose themselves in the music, it feels like a dramatic moment in a movie. Maybe someone important died. Or you, I mean they, just kicked ass in a really dirty fight. Eyes On Fire makes for some theatrical music. The mind tends to wander.