I try to downplay it, but I've had a new obsession for the last two months or so. I try to downplay it because 1) I hate admitting that I'm addicted to something. Addiction means lack of control. I like to pretend like I have control over myself. That there aren't moments when I feel helpless, moments when I feel constrained by my own ineptitude, moments when I only see a bleak future, moments when I only see a futureless present.. Don't be mistaken. These are only moments. 99% of my days are spent with a smile on my lips and spring in my step. But everyone has moments. Most of the time I choose to ignore my moments. Ignoring the darkness is how I deal with it. Except for the occasional times when I wallow in it. Those are times when I willingly give up my control. Those times usually involve ice cream.
But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.
My recent obsession. The second reason I downplay it is cause it's kind of outdated. And by outdated I mean that I'm addicted to a tv series that was big in the 90's. See, I've recently discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer on dvd. And have been feverishly watching episode after episode. I missed the trend when it was on tv. At the time I was attending dance classes and had dreams that involved stages. There was no time for tv. So now, some ten years later here I am, loving Buffy. Wanting to talk about each development, discuss characters and their developments, wanting to chat about the dreaminess of Angel. Ahhem. Anyways. So there you have it. I've outed myself. I'm a Buffyholic.
Why the sudden need to confess, you ask? Because a scene in the latest episode I watched brought a flurry of thoughts to my mind. Thoughts that I need to write down, lest I lose sleep while chasing them down in the corridors of my mind.
The scene was simple. Buffy and Riley wake up in the morning, both start to get ready for their day, Riley realizes Buffy is mad at him by her silent treatment and says "I've only been up for a minute and I've already managed to piss you off. What'd I do?". The scene continues, but that's not what is important to this post. What struck me so hard was what happened in that few short minutes of screen time. It was a typical couple fight. One we've all had. One person is miffed at a perceived slight, the other person doesn't even realize a fight has begun. Sarcasm is exchanged until there is either heated words, or someone is the bigger person and works for reconciliation. Sometimes there is make up sex. That's always nice. Sometimes there is more fighting and storming off. With luck, there is at some point reconciliation and make up sex.
All this goes through my head, along with this thought-
It's been a long time since I've gone through those motions.
A long time since I've felt miffed at someone for a perceived slight.
A long time since I've picked a fight with a loved someone simply because I was feeling angsty.
A long time since I've fought with someone over something stupid.
Because it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship.
And with that thought, I realized how nice it's been. No petty fights. No angsty feelings that are misdirected because I haven't have time to realize what the real issue is. When I'm in a relationship I'm with that person. All the time. I like being with the person I'm in love with. I like having them around. I pretty sure I'm not an anomaly in this area. But because of that, the person that I care most about sometimes has to deal with my shit. I always make it up to them (make up sex!), but I still feel badly.
And it's been nice, not having those petty fights. I've really come to cherish my alone time. Now, when I feel angsty or girly, I have time to examine these feelings. Find the true source of said feelings and either work them out, or come to grips with them. I feel more centered now then I ever have in my life.
Armed with this new knowledge, I wonder. When I enter a new relationship, will I do better this time? Will this relationship go smoother, will there be fewer fights now that I understand myself a little better? Or will I slide back into old habits, having petty fights and forgetting to show him how much I care for him?
I hope not.
Watching that scene also triggered another line of thoughts. Or rather, emotions. And that was this-
It's been a long time since I've woken up next to someone on a daily basis.
A long time since someone has held me when I felt broken.
A long time since I've been so close to someone that our emotions bleed together.
When friends ask me how I am I always pause, then tell them I'm fine. This is truth. I am fine. I love my roommate, my job, my friends, my life. I'm at one of my happiest points in my life. Life is definitely good. But still, when they ask how I am, I pause. Now I know why.
I don't miss the fights.
But I do miss intimacy.
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