Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Fix spent the night.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about the whole situation.
The him sleeping over part, not the him situation.
Although that is still being mulled over as well.

This was the first time we've hung out that wasn't full of adventure and mischief. The first low key thing we've really done together. I mean, there was still amazing clothes ripping sex. And lots of laughing and teasing. But other than grabbing a bite to eat... we stayed at my place. And just hung out. We didn't even turn on a movie. In fact, at one point around 3am we both grabbed our books, turned up some Miles Davis and read. Who does that? I don't think Matt and I even did that. We both read like crazy, but we would read on our own time. Or I would read while he played video games. But just sitting together and reading... together?

The thing is, it was kinda nice. He's about 100 pages ahead of me in the same book, so occasionally he would lean over and see where I was at. Or tickle me. Or just brush his thumbs over my shoulder. It was all very... intimate. And comfortable. And easy. I'm crazy about this guy.

But the last few days I've been thinking about all the "buts" I'm not sure if it's because they are a big deal, potentially deal breakers. Or if I'm just trying to find a reason to run.

Fix is dangerous.
To my future and my heart.
And I'm wondering if I'm getting to old to keep jumping off cliffs.
And a small part of me is wondering if he would jump with me if I asked.
And a small part of me is afraid he would