Which is an unfamiliar emotion for me.
I'm used to feeling happy. Feeling a little wild. Or feeling restless. That's a common emotion. I'm used to feeling antisocial but not in a bitter way. I often feel mischievous. There's times I feel anxiety or stress. Sometimes I feel sore and sometimes I feel lazy. Occasionally I feel apathetic. Or mad.
But I rarely feel vulnerable.
Vulnerable: from Latin vulnerÄre, to wound
Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.
Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).
Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.
Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.
And no, the repeat of D is not an accident.
When this feeling hits me it almost always hits me at night. When it's dark and the world is sleeping and all my bad decisions loom up before me.
95% of the time I love being me. There's been some rocky moments, some rocky months even. But I like the life I've created for myself. And I love that I can truthfully say I created this life. I'm not where I am because my parents made my decisions for me. I've worked hard to get and keep this new job. I've made and kept fabulous friends over the years. I do a lot of fun things (even if it means I don't have a savings account). I'm really blessed.
The only downside to making all my own decisions? There's no safety net. No one to blame if it blows up in my face. Which it does occasionally. Sometimes it creates a mess that is fun to play in. Sometimes it burns.
And when those rare occasions occur and I don't feel strong, or independent? When I feel vulnerable?
Well, that's when I wish for you. To put your arms around me. Just until the dawn comes.
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