Sorry if this is too dramatic. It's been a dramatic day.

I'm a 911 dispatcher. My mom was a 911 dispatcher. My dad was a Mesa cop. My uncle was a Phoenix cop. My cousin is a Gilbert cop. My best friend is a Gilbert cop. The boy is a Phoenix cop.

We serve a function that is necessary. We are mostly hated and mocked for it.
We're certainly underpaid for it.

Each work day we wonder if there will be a high speed chase. A foot pursuit. A bank robbery. Something that will remind us why we love this job and remind the public that we are the good guys. The heroes.

The public tends to forget that fact after they've been handed a speeding ticket.
We mostly hate giving you a speeding ticket too. No cop enjoys doing paperwork.
I say mostly because if you're a total asshole... we might enjoy giving you a ticket.

Last night a Gilbert officer was killed. Shot in the head. While doing a traffic stop.
He was a father of two little girls.

During a traffic stop. In Gilbert.

For the first time in nine years I watched my best friend cry.
The boy didn't cry. Last year he watched his brother in uniform bleed out on a street corner.
I guess you don't cry much after that.

I cried. I cried, realizing I could lose either of these boys that I care for. I cried realizing that I could be dispatching one day and hearing those shots over the radio. I cried, not knowing if I am cut out for this job. I cried, knowing that I can't return to a normal life without the mental scars that have formed in just four months of this job.

The boy's reassurance to me? He said
"It's ok. It wasn't one of us. Not today."

That was his reassurance. "Not today".

Just living life comes with certain risk. There are car accidents, health issues. No one is guaranteed to come home safely.

But the Sworn Officers of your city put on their work clothes every day wondering
is today the day I don't come home?
is today the day I see something that will haunt my nightmares?

You are a cop because you don't know how not to be one.
You do this job because you don't know how not to.

We deal with what you fear and keep you safe even though you hate us.
The next time you see a man wearing the shield, thank him.

RIP Lt. Eric Shuhandler, Gilbert PD.

Moving On

Pack your bags Buffy.

You've been replaced.






However.
David Boreanaz, you can stay.

No title. Just blog

Training was extremely rough on me today.

Like "I'm throwing my notebook dramatically on the floor, saying fuck you to anyone who looked at me funny and walk out" bad day.

The only bit of good that came out of work was finding out that I didn't have to come into work until 10am tomorrow. A whole 4 hours later then normal.

So what did I do with the extra time I was granted from the very gods on mount olympus?

Did I go work out?
Did I spend time with my family?
Did I clean house?
Grocery shop?

If you answered yes to any of the above then you are clearly a blogstalker and don't know me at all.

Instead of being productive the boy kidnapped me, held me hostage at a friends house, force fed me homemade chicken pot pie and red wine. He even bullied me into laughing until I cried.

He's a big ole meanie head.

I'm awful lucky to have him.
(wow that was mushy)(yuck)

Breathe life into this feeble heart

Today I feel vulnerable.
Which is an unfamiliar emotion for me.

I'm used to feeling happy. Feeling a little wild. Or feeling restless. That's a common emotion. I'm used to feeling antisocial but not in a bitter way. I often feel mischievous. There's times I feel anxiety or stress. Sometimes I feel sore and sometimes I feel lazy. Occasionally I feel apathetic. Or mad.

But I rarely feel vulnerable.
Vulnerable: from Latin vulnerāre, to wound

1. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

2. Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).

3. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

4. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

5. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

And no, the repeat of D is not an accident.

When this feeling hits me it almost always hits me at night. When it's dark and the world is sleeping and all my bad decisions loom up before me.

95% of the time I love being me. There's been some rocky moments, some rocky months even. But I like the life I've created for myself. And I love that I can truthfully say I created this life. I'm not where I am because my parents made my decisions for me. I've worked hard to get and keep this new job. I've made and kept fabulous friends over the years. I do a lot of fun things (even if it means I don't have a savings account). I'm really blessed.

The only downside to making all my own decisions? There's no safety net. No one to blame if it blows up in my face. Which it does occasionally. Sometimes it creates a mess that is fun to play in. Sometimes it burns.

And when those rare occasions occur and I don't feel strong, or independent? When I feel vulnerable?

Well, that's when I wish for you. To put your arms around me. Just until the dawn comes.

Dear Santa. Wait, what do you mean Christmas is over?!

It's no secret that I have a wee problem with saving.
My bills are always paid on time but overall I'm an impulse buyer instead of a planner.

Ok actually you could scratch out the word buyer. There's not an ounce of planning in me. Just impulse. Thank Hera I'm cautious.

Oh wait.

So..
2009 was probably the most consecutively fun year I've had. However. It was also a year of waitressing and generally being broke. So now I have this fabulous job that makes me oodles of money. And I have a whole years worth of stuff that I want.

Things I want to buy:

A trip to Europe
A trip to DC to visit Mckenna and Ryan
A trip to Vegas to visit with Mr.Andy
A motorcyle
A new laptop
Tickets to see cirque du soleil
Tickets to see Muse
Tickets to see John Mayer
A jeep
A new wardrobe
A trip to costa rica or Brazil. I'll go with either
More random stuff for my house
A pony


Now, how much from the above list will I actually get/buy?
Well. If I learn how to stick to my budget. And work overtime. And stay home instead of going out. And don't get sick. And Miss Havisham ( my car) doesn't break down. And I don't get distracted and buy something on a whim..

I may be able to cross off two or three from the list.

Or I could always burn my debit card

A Year In Pictures (Cause I'm original)

(disclaimer: these are not in order. mostly because I don't remember the exact order everything happened but also because this stupid site doesn't allow me to upload pictures in the order I want. stupid website. )



2009 in color

I got a shiny new tattoo.

At some point I cut off all my hair
(and went to a goth club!)

Gypsy entered my life for a few months

These two officially became FAMILY

And Thursday officially became FAMILY days
(which include sushi, drinks, phase 10 and more drinks )

I did a lot of shots

2009 was also the summer of water
Also our first family vacation

I ate way too many sweets

Took my family to the river

Saw a surprising amount of midnight showings

And a lot of 3-d as well

Then Erica joined our family

I moved in with Ryan again at some point
and we did the pool thing. A lot

I went to my first spring training game

And took a mini road trip to see San Xavier

Had an Alice In Wonderland moment

Found out I'm terrified of ostriches and their beaks

But that I like birds and they like me

I attended A LOT of parties for work

Learned to play beer pong (badly)

Made lots of great friends at work

And even went on roadtrips to the beach with them

I trained for a triathlan that I didn't end up doing

Spent quite a few days like this with these girls

Saw Kings of Leon live with this pretty girl

Had a fabulous mini high school reunion..

..With these amazing people

Spent three days in Mexico

Learned I love roadtrips with this girl

Went to Utah to see my favorite Utah people
and only took two pictures.
Cause I suck

Attended what was probably the most enjoyable wedding ever

Hiked and camped at Fossil Springs

And had a hell of a halloween..

As zombie and zombie hunters

Sadly, my year in pictures end with Halloween.
Mostly because I started a new job that demands all of my time and soul.
So while I did live thru Nov. and Dec. there really isn't any proof.

2009 you treated me pretty well.