Since it's a new blog I'm pulling some stuff from older blogs. This was from March 2009 I think
Don't think for a moment that I cry in my bed for you every night. Or that I stay home and eat ice cream out of deppression from losing you.
It's not like that.
I go about my life actively trying to find ways to banish you from my memories. I take other guys to our special spots, I go out of my way to cook with Matt, or work out with Patrick. I talk to Andy when I feel weak, or want to share something happy. I accept every invitation for a date. When it comes to other guys I use them as dynomite to blow up the hold you still have over me.
That being said, I still miss you. I still crave you. None of these guys come close to you, whether its conversation, fun or chemistry. God damn it. I still care for you.
I love my life right now. Sure, I'm not in another country or traveling but I adore my job, love my co-workers, have a sweetheart dog, lots of dates, and for the first time in my life I not only know what I want to do with my life, but I know the path I need to travel to get there. I have a car, and am in the middle of the hiring process for a job that will pay really well AND allow me to pay for school. I feel peace for the first time in a long time, knowing that I have a future, a career, a life that fulfills everything my soul needs. I have a great group of friends, ones that I party with, giggle with, tell secrets with and grow with. I feel needed, accepted, loved by these friends.
The damn construction work that was blocking my path has finally finished and cleared up. Yes, I know that there will be missteps and that there might be more construction to be done on my road. I've been walking down this path for quite a while and it's like I just now realized there was a map for this path. I no longer worry about how much time it is taking me to travel. Reading that map reassures me that I know where I'm going.
But I miss your companionship. We were close for far too long for me not too.
I love my life right now. I'm genuinally happy. Yet missing you is a dull ache, one I only notice on a occasion. We were puzzle pieces and there are moments when I miss how we fit. I use my friends to fill in the holes you left. I use dates the way others use drugs, both for recational use and to forget you.
But I'm learning the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. I'm learning that love does not mean leaning and company does not mean security. I'm learning that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And I've begun to accept defeats with my head up, and my eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. I'm learning that even sunshine burns if I get too much, so I plant my own garden and decorate my own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers. And I'm learning, that I really can endure, that I really am strong, and I'm learning and I learn with every goodbye, I learn.
I don't understand how life can be so good for me, how I can enjoy it so much and still have any room in my life to miss you. But I do.
(and the part of me that is not as well adjusted hopes you are just as tormented from me walking out of your life. Cause i'm not all sunshine and rainbows)
oh man. you know that feeling when you read something that perfectly, i mean really - perfectly, dictates feelings that you never could express yourself? either they were too lucid or too far from consciousness for you to recognize or understand? and then once you've read the passage you somehow feel at peace because you were able to understand yourself a little bit better? yeah. that just happened.
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