Growing up is a frightening process

I've been going through a bit of a midlife crisis.
But don't worry, this is actually more of a yearly crisis for me.
Generally it doesn't strike until a month before my birthday.
Since this is May, it's a bit premature
But, you know,  I'm dealing with it.

Usually this is brought on by my birthday. The realization that I am getting older and so clearly nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age. The slowly strangling realization that worse, I don't know what I want or where I want to be. Not knowing where I want to be is almost as bad as not knowing how to get there. When I was in my early twenties, my careless lifestyle was romantic, alluring even. There was so much time.  And there were so many of us, lost and not caring to be found, in no rush for babies or careers or structure.

However, living off the grid is only romantic when you are young and beautiful.

And then at around twenty five, I looked around and realized the crowd had gotten a lot thinner.
I had always hung around an older group of friends and they were settling down. The friends from high school were all go getters and were way a head of the curve and no longer emotionally available to someone without a 401k. The people left were the very examples of what I didn't want to be. Single parents still trying to party and leaving their kids with babysitters more often then not. Older friends that refused to leave their parents house.  A lot of drunks, some that could keep a job and some that couldn't. I didn't want to be them. I don't want to be them.

Moving here was the best decision I've made in a long time. There are so many things about this place that make me happy. From the interesting characters that have welcomed me as family, to the simple fact that I see the ocean every day on my drive and from work. That dark expanse of water does amazing things for my soul. But it's not enough to prevent the midlife crisis panic. Because even though I spend every moment outside of work in a constant state of wonder that this is now my life, I still spend 8 hours a day dispatching. It's not that I hate my job, it's not bad and the coworkers are great. In fact, I feel guilty for even thinking about complaining about my job. I know how good I have it. But still the crisis looms.  Because I want... more...   Because I don't know what I want to do with my life but I know for sure that I don't want to spend it in an office. I don't want to spend it getting fat behind a desk, with two weeks of vacation every year. I love my life right now, but when I think of spending the next twenty years, living in one place and working the same type of office job, I break out in hives.  Yet every year I get closer to leaving my twenties and every year I have wild ideas and plans on what I'll do with my life, ideas and plans that gather dust as reality laughs at them.

It's frustrating. Being so happy and so completely incapable of being content. There are moments that I think I've managed to catch both, to hold both happiness and contentment in my hands. Moments when I'm walking home in the fog at 3am, my mind whirling and spinning with the conversations and ideas explored over hot drinks and smokey tables. Moments when the only thing protecting me from a sunburn is the thin layer of salt and sand after hours in the ocean water. Moments of intimacy, moments of passion that lead to moments of almost peace. There is so much good, so much happymess in my life that these moments of panic, this restless panic that sulks in the corner, is baffling.

I can see contentment, it's in the corner of my eye, but when I turn to look at it fully, to welcome it, it slips from view, disappears.

 Conversations around the dinner table.
Well, around the couch. There's no room for a table. We eat at the couch, like heathens.


Fix (noticing that I was ravenously eating the Mexican food he ordered):  Wow, someone is hungry.
Me: Careful. That sounds close to a fat joke. You're on dangerous ground mister.
Fix: Oh right, it's that time again isn't it
Me (glaring): ...Dangerous ground
Fix: What are you going to do about it?
Me (tears well up): I might cry
Fix:.... Shit

A moment later

Me: Wait. Was that a carefully crafted ruse to get me to hand over the rest of my meal...




California living is fun. Especially with him

In Need of Will Power

... And we fell off the wagon.

Well, I fell off the Whole30 wagon. Fix never really climbed on.

He loved the idea of it. We both got really excited for it. I did a ton of research on it.
Thursday I went and bought a bunch healthy and clean food and Friday we started the challenge. I enjoyed breakfast, lunch and dinner a lot more than I thought I would. Fix enjoyed them too, as well two slices of pizza.
He came home from work all sheepish "Sam...Blonde girl... I... I cheated. I'm sorry I'm weak. Pizza is my weakness...and I am weak..". He was forgiven of course, with the provision he stay away from naked, nubile blondes holding pizza. No need to test all the man's weaknesses. 
Saturday came and went, I enjoyed the food and was enjoying knowing that I was eating well, even though I wanted cheese on top of everything.
 Luckily Jocelyn agreed to act as my Whole30 sponsor, you know, to get me through the rough spots. I was feeling pretty good about myself. And then Fix came home.

"Umm. Sam... Pretty little thing... "
Yep. They had pizza at Harley for a second day in a row.

We did just find on Sunday. And Monday. But Tuesday was Fix's 28th birthday. And I'm back to working for the first time in a month and a half and working is hard and we went to Lestat's with his friends to celebrate and there was this apple cheesecake there. Just. Taunting us. The little cheesecake floozy just begged to be eaten, what with the container pulled back to show a little bit of golden crust and an apple topping, all glazed and sugary for a night on the town.

So Tuesday we didn't so much fall off the wagon as much as jumped head first into cheesecake.

Today we had resolutions. Shamefully climbed back on the wagon and kept our heads low. Ate our eggs mixed with spinach and olives and mushrooms. Ate our chicken with carrots and radishes. We even enjoyed the meals. (ps. everything. everything. should be cooked in coconut oil. all things. cooked in coconut oil. from now on).  But lunch was as far as we made it. We had stayed out way too late celebrating and I had hurt my back and spent the day in agony as I frantically tried to pass my EMD test (EMT training for dispatchers) and the idea of grocery shopping and then cooking made me dizzy with anticipated pain. So Fix came home to a mostly comatose Sam on the floor with a pillow under my knees.

He had my favorite sandwich and soup delivered, along with running to the corner store and picking up oreo's. Because I was hurting and that's how he takes care of me.

After, much later, we discussed a new game plan.
Similar to the first but with a little more leniency. I really enjoyed the recipes and all the coconut oil cooked veggies but Fix found it a little bland.  So I'm going to follow the Whole30 for about  95% of the time, while Fix is going to follow the paleo diet.  Maybe in a few weeks we'll have more will power and try it again. Maybe in a few veggie filled weeks we won't need to.

It's hard to be regretful when my belly is full of cookies and soup and I'm curled up on the couch in my closet by the sea. There's been a lot of changes in the last few weeks. My food habits can wait another week.

A Clean Start

There is a million things to write about.

I should write about settling in, slowing down and unwinding in our closet by the sea.
I should write about the new and interesting characters that are wandering into my life.
I should write about goodbyes, and how I'm terrible at them.
I should write about the goals that I'm setting for myself.
Instead, I'm going to write about food.

I'm a foodie. I adore all food.Except cherries. And mayo.
Fix is a foodie too. And I adore that about him.
Finding the right combination of admiration of food and being healthy is hard though. We've tried to compensate by working out harder and that works to a degree. However, between the move, a minor surgery, Fix finishing school and the deathly flu that put me in bed for a week, all pretenses of working out or caring what we eat were dropped. Thrown out the window really.

So now we are moved into our closet by the sea. Things are slowing down, we're easing into a routine and having time to realize that take out can't always be the answer. Even if it's fantastic indian food from just around the corner. Or amazing breakfast food down the block. And while the sushi joint next to us is a healthier option, it's a little rough on our wallets.  We both agreed that we needed to take a breather and detox a bit. The fabulous Jocelyn and Erin had previously done the Whole30 challenge and raved about it. The Whole30 is basically a nutritionally reset for your body. You only eat healthy, clean foods. It's giving up dairy and grains and sugar, even when they are just miniscule ingredients in otherwise good food. Initially I wasn't too keen on the idea. Give up cheese and chocolate? Never! I love them too much. But then I realized that loving them too much was part of the problem. What I like about trying the Whole30, is not only does it kind of detox your system, but it helps get rid of those cravings, the need for a bite of sugar after a meal or the need to cover everything in cheesy goodness. And it's only for 30 days. I can do 30 days. I think.





Since I am amazing at justifying my actions, and giving up sugar (chocolate!!) is going to be hard on me,  I'm making sure to let as many people know as possible that we're trying this. Fix and I are determined to do this for thirty days but we're also weak willed. So hopefully this will hold me accountable. Also, I'm hoping this will get me back in the habit of writing again. Hopefully I'll start off by writing about the food and how I feel and it'll lead to other musings.
 Hopefully

It's a Numbers Game

6 Nights since we moved here

12 Boxes still unpacked

500 Square feet to live in

8 Restaurants that are walking distance from our place

2 Hours spent at a Lestat's Coffee shop with friends

3 Bookshelves bought

7 Total bookshelves now

2 60lb dogs that we are pretending are 40lbs (oops sorry landlord)

15 Times a day one of us exclaims "We live here now!"

0 Places to park

3 Episodes of Dr.Who watched

8 Times exploring the neighborhood while walking the dogs

2 Sushi dates

6 Unfortunate incidents involving me getting lost while driving

Ok it's actually been more like 10 incidents

1 Motorcycle ride 

In Sunny San Diego

New Beginnings

A lot has happened in the past few months.

The most notable being The Move.
Moving to San Diego that is.
Which hasn't technically happened yet.

But I quit my job a few weeks ago.
Fix got a job in San Diego, I've got interviews and last Wednesday, we signed a lease agreement. In San Diego.
In Normal Heights to be more specific. 10-15 minutes from the beach. Cute little shops and deli's and bakeries all around.

It'll be home. Mine and Fix's home.

It's tiny. I've nicknamed it "our closet by the sea". One little room, a small bathroom, a tiny kitchen... Just imagine every variation of the word small and you've got a pretty good description of our home.
I'm delighted.

I'll be attempting to be better about writing. and picture taking.
and working out. and eating better. and more adventures. and more books. always more books.




Here's to new beginnings.

Short But Sweet

Well hey there.

Sorry it's been a while.

Life and busy and all that... it gets in the way of writing.

But now that my computer is back in the realm of the living and I'm not just relaying on my smart phone for internet needs, well, in theory my blogging will pick up again. In theory.

In the meantime... I've been dreaming of this....

Vacation and Motorcycles? A girl can dream