Short But Sweet

Well hey there.

Sorry it's been a while.

Life and busy and all that... it gets in the way of writing.

But now that my computer is back in the realm of the living and I'm not just relaying on my smart phone for internet needs, well, in theory my blogging will pick up again. In theory.

In the meantime... I've been dreaming of this....

Vacation and Motorcycles? A girl can dream

A Drink of Water

My life isn't all wild adventures and bad ideas.

There are frequent domestic and quiet moments that punctuate my life.

Tonight is one of those moments.

Home from work, a quick workout and cooking, those were my exciting plans for the evening.

Woke a groggy Jess up from her nap and dragged her upstairs to keep my company while I did my Insanity workout (yep, started that nonsense again). She played cheerleader while the dogs wrestled on the bed, occasionally jumping onto the floor to investigate what I was doing and use their wet noses to startle me every time I went into downward dog.

Since I'm trying to be healthier, I've started cooking at home. I haven't cooked with any regularity since I moved in with Ryan for the second time. I used to cook, a lot. First for my family (it was one of my chores), then with a boyfriend who was an amazing cook and I played the part of sou chef pretty well. But I fell out of the habit, mostly because I loathe grocery shopping. But for the sake of saving money and wanting to be in better shape, I found a cookbook, forced myself to enter a grocery store, and have been cooking for about two weeks now.

So after my workout I trudged downstairs and began cooking for the next day. Jess pulled up to the breakfast counter and surprised me by turning on Romero and Juliet. For the next few hours, I chopped and sauteed and burned my fingers while Jess alternated between lovingly watching Leo saunter through Shakespearean prose and debating/discussing other literature that we both love. The evening was calm and soothing and oh so domestic. And I enjoyed it.

I don't have a very peaceful soul. I'm not very good at contentment. Fix and I talked about it the other night, the way we both are unable to accept that this is it, this is all life has to offer us. That work takes up the majority of our day, our week, our lives and we use TV shows and movies and friends to fill the spaces in between. It's a level that we connect on, this yearning, this wanderlust, the need for adrenaline and adventure and madness.

Maybe we've just read too many books about extraordinary people.

So I don't do peaceful very often. But tonight? Tonight was a cool drink of domestic contentment. Sometimes I'm so busy moving, I forget that I'm parched. I'm lucky to have people in my life that remind me that sometimes, slowing down can be a good thing.

Sometimes

Life, or Something Like It

The last few months it feel like the theme has been "catch up" or maybe "procrastination".

Paying bills, just barely.
Getting errands done, the last possible day.
Making big decisions, on the fly.

Oh wait, that one is pretty normal for me.

I keep telling myself that I will be more organized.
That I will I make a five year plan and stick with it.
Or stick close to it.
Or at least walk in the general direction of it.

Part of the problem is that Fix is just as restless and adventurous as I could desire. Actually, that's not a problem at all. Well, it's kinda a problem for my bank account. And my obligations. And the whole being responsible thing. But relationship-wise? Not a problem at all. A bonus even.


But maybe procrastination and catching up and being broke but owning awesome toys and crazy memories is what being in your twenties is all about. It's like being a teenager, but with a paycheck to fund your adventures.

Or maybe I'm just really irresponsible.

Yet not that irresponsible. Because my bills are still paid. And the errands are still accomplished. And the decisions... are mostly ignored.

*Shrugs* I'm not complaining. Life has been fun the last few months. There have been roadtrips, danger, laughing, excitement, stupidity, late night talks, new friends, old friends showing up again... and possibilities. New possibilities that I never imagined and a few that maybe I'm just starting to find the courage to embrace.

Changes

Fix spent the night.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about the whole situation.
The him sleeping over part, not the him situation.
Although that is still being mulled over as well.

This was the first time we've hung out that wasn't full of adventure and mischief. The first low key thing we've really done together. I mean, there was still amazing clothes ripping sex. And lots of laughing and teasing. But other than grabbing a bite to eat... we stayed at my place. And just hung out. We didn't even turn on a movie. In fact, at one point around 3am we both grabbed our books, turned up some Miles Davis and read. Who does that? I don't think Matt and I even did that. We both read like crazy, but we would read on our own time. Or I would read while he played video games. But just sitting together and reading... together?

The thing is, it was kinda nice. He's about 100 pages ahead of me in the same book, so occasionally he would lean over and see where I was at. Or tickle me. Or just brush his thumbs over my shoulder. It was all very... intimate. And comfortable. And easy. I'm crazy about this guy.
Twitterpated.

But the last few days I've been thinking about all the "buts" I'm not sure if it's because they are a big deal, potentially deal breakers. Or if I'm just trying to find a reason to run.

Fix is dangerous.
To my future and my heart.
And I'm wondering if I'm getting to old to keep jumping off cliffs.
And a small part of me is wondering if he would jump with me if I asked.
And a small part of me is afraid he would

Star Crossed

Breakfast wasn’t her first choice for a first date, but it was the only option if they wanted to meet sooner rather than later. And after a week of texting late into the night and early into the morning, neither was really willing to wait for later.
So sooner, and breakfast, it was.

For a first date it was going remarkably smooth. There were a few hiccups, such as when she stole his straw without thinking about it (she always drank with two straws), or when he got self-conscious as he explained the minor, occasional short term memory loss he suffered after an ugly motorcycle accident two years ago. However the blips were short lived, since he choose to tease her about the implications of needing two straws , and she accused him of faking the injury so that he doesn’t have to remember things like names and birthdates. The level of easy and familiarity was of two people who had known each other years, but the chemistry and sparks were testament of the newness. The conversation flowed from one subject to the next.

“Books?” “Reading Heinlein right now” “Love him, hate the incest”

“Music?” “Metal, blues, alternative…” “I’m not as familiar with metal, but I know a blues band you will love..”

“TV?” “Sons of Anarchy!” “Oh I love it too, as long as one accepts that it’s highly dramatized”

She laughs and tries to bait him “Are you offended by the violence? Because you wear a cut or something?” A pause “Actually I do”

She choked on her water, her poker face fleeing at the mention of a motorcycle gang.

“Breathe Hun. We’re not 1%ers, we’re not violent. It’s not like that at all…”

He continues to explain who and what his MC stands for and she listens while frantically realizing how just how bad this new development was. She couldn't.. cannot… this would never… HE’S IN A MC?!?

“Hey? Are you ok, you went pale”

She stared blankly at him as various scenarios flashed through her head

Her, in a sundress and holding his hand while leaning up against him casually at a club barbecue. Making small talk with his club president and a Hell’s Angel sergeant of arms.

The little sister looking at him wide eyed over dinner as he told stories of cross country rides and canyons and trees that belonged in middle earth.

Her arms, wrapped around his waist and covering his cut on the back of his bike and desperately hoping the officer that just pulled them over won’t ask for her ID or involve her.

“Sam!” Her reverie abruptly disappeared from her eyes. She raked her eyes over him. She took in his laughing eyes, wry grin, the casual way he relaxed in his chair, the tattoos that peeked out from under his clothes and begged to be traced with her fingers...

Her chair clattered to the floor as she stood.
“I’m sorry. I never liked the Romero and Juliet story.” And she fled.

Basic Needs

The memory is a little blurry, but I can remember sitting in a classroom, probably freshman or sophomore year of high school and learning about the four essential needs to survive. I think they consisted of: Air, Water, Food, and Shelter. Possibly there were five needs, the fifth being family or education or fire

But the educators were very clear on one thing.
Sex was not an essential need to survive.

The rest of the lesson dissolved into a sex ed class. So I guess I should be grateful that the memory is a blurry, as those classes are never comfortable.

Something triggered that memory the other day and I started thinking about what was necessary to my well being. I mean, I have Air (little smoggy some days but not as bad as California), I have Water (Gilbert water is pretty gross but there's always filtered options), I have Food (most days, the amount varies the farther out from payday it gets), and I have Shelter (an adorable little house with shaggy mutts, a pixy of a roommate and my coveted california king sized bed).

I have the basics down, and the basics are not fulfilling my emotional needs. I'm not unhappy but as usual, I'm yearning. My skin feels too tight and my life lacks flexibility right now. The big problem is not that I don't know what I want, it's that I want too many things.

List of things that I want:
Suzuki Boulevard motorcycle
Debts paid off
Car paid off
Personal chef
New wardrobe
More books
Run a Tough Mudder
Move to Seattle
Travel more . Lots more.
Hike Appalachian Trail
Finish school

Those are just from the top of my head.
I've started focusing on trying to define exactly what I need in my daily life, what will give me the illusion of content. At least until I finish school. I've narrowed it down to a somewhat fluid list.

List of small things to keep me entertained
Doing something reckless, maybe once a week, minimum once a month.
Real conversations, I don't care if it's talking books or dissecting a personality
Sunshine
Time with my puppy
New Books
Water, pools or beach

So small goal for the next few months, to try to keep a combination of the above things in my life. See if any of them make a cocktail of calm. Maybe I can narrow it down to exactly what is necessary to my well being survival.

Oh and the instructors lied.
Sex is totally necessary

Optimistic..?

http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/stocking.jpg

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea: Getting a new place that is a better size for Jess and I. And a better price

Bad Idea: Moving fee's

Good Idea: Buying a new more reliable car

Bad Idea: Downpayments and higher monthly payments

Good Idea: Drinking Margaritas while unpacking boxes

Bad Idea: Crooked pictures because of said margaritas

Good Idea: Deciding to wait to fix broken laptop because money is tight

Bad Idea: Not having a laptop for two months and counting

Good Idea: Sunday dinners with the family

Bad Idea: Actually there's no bad side to this

Good Idea: Forcing myself to workout four times a week

Bad Idea: Sore...All...The... Time

Good Idea: Buying a Puppy

Bad Idea: Never sleeping again. And watchign my carpets being slowly destroyed


To sum up, Jess and I (and Raine and Londyn and Locksley) are happily adjudsting to our new home and new routines. We're mostly broke and slightly sleep deprived. There's been a lot of days at the park, a lot of movies at home and a lot of reading. Adventures are to resume shortly (hopefully)

How I plan to spend all my money this summer:

1-2 weeks in Costa Rica with the lovely Miss Erin
Scattered trips to Cali beaches
More work on my sleeve
A trip to the New York area to see Lachelle and then Sully and his wife
Fix my laptop
Buy a washer and dryer
Hike Zion
Put Locksley in agility training


Sooo it looks like I'll be working more overtime.
Don't worry social life, I'll be back one day

Reasons I heart Jess And Travis

Text messages between Jess and I

Sam: Oh no! Barely Balanced* isn't going to be at the ren faire this year! How am I supposed to sex Medium** up if he's not there?

Jess: He prolly has cholera or syphillis or the consumption or whatever STD ran around in the 16th century anyway. Count it as a blessing that the temptation is taken away from you.

Sam: OMG you are fantastic.
Sam: Wait, I lied, they are coming! Shit, now I need to start starving myself

Jess: Sam! Cholera!! Just remember Cholera!
Jess: I mean yay, they'll be there

Sam: Jess... Cholera is an infection of the small intestine passed by dirty water.. So I think Meduim and I are safe

Jess: Did you google that? You googled that.

*Barely Balanced is a kick ass acrobatic preformance group
**Medium is the stage name of my future ex boyfriend

_____________________________________________________________


Travis: Death is after me. I've had three close calls today. One of which turned into an accident for the other guy.

Sam: Maybe death got confused and thinks you're Harry Dresden. You should wear a name tag.

Travis: That's a case of mistaken identity I could live with.
Travis: ...erm, till I die that is.
Travis: HOLY CRAP Somebody ELSE just about ran into me!

Sam: GO HOME!

Travis: I'm worried. Have our ancestors desecrated any tombs that I don't know about?

Sam: Not sure about our ancestors. But we should probably check with Tanner

It was only a matter of time until I got sick again.
I was just hoping to put it off for a few more weeks... let me get the holiday crazy out of the way.
But I've been burnt out for the last three months, between work and overtime and standby and school and tests and papers and finals and bodhi and hard decisions and life plans suddenly being dashed to the ground.

Did you know that plans can smash into a million tiny pieces and gluing them back together isn't an option because the pieces are just that tiny. You stand there looking at the floor, aghast , slightly panicked and mostly devastated. You take the bigger shards and try to salvage them but really, without the all the pieces it just doesn't work.

Between the frantic scrabbling as I try to figure out what path my life is now going to take for the next six months, the increasing bouts of darkness and depression that I'm fighting valiantly, and all the holiday plans/friends/events that refuse to wait despite my moods resembling a s storm.

What I need is a vacation. A small break away from reality. What I get instead is a head cold and scratchy throat.

It's like I pissed off life and now she's being all passive aggressive on my ass.