A few months back I asked Mr. Andy why he was finally ready to leave Utah.
He told he had realized that the type of girl he wanted to be with wouldn't be living in Utah.
And if she was in Utah then she would be just as unhappy as he was.
So if he was ever going to meet her... he had to leave.
And being the romantic that he is... he left.
I mean, sure he got a job first... but the point is... he left.
Work has been hell the last two days.
Busy and bloody.
I feel overwhelmed and energized by it.
A part of me wants to walk away.
I'm good at walking away
Part of me (who sounds suspiciously like Jocelyn) tells me to stay.
To keep being responsible and adult and make good decisions that will pay off eventually.
I hate that word.
Eventually.
I'm going for a run. A long hard hard that will wear me out and quell this restless feeling.
If I can't out run the demons then I'll go for a swim. And if that doesn't drown them... well then fuck.
Hmm actually that's not a bad idea
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Waking Life
Sometimes I dream so vividly that I can't shake it when I wake.
I can't capture the strength of the dream, but indulge me
I dreamt that I called you. I had to tell you that I had met someone. You deserved to know. Even though we weren't together, even though there were no promises between us. You deserved to know.
You were silent for so long that I began to believe you had disconnected. That once again there would be nothing but silence to remember you by.
"Meet me at the high school. In ten minutes."
Click.
Suddenly I was standing outside the dark doors of the high school. Waiting for you. Not for long. You appeared as suddenly as I had. The way it often happens in dreams. I opened my mouth to explain, to make you understand. Instead of listening passively, you kissed me. Hard. Then, just as quickly you stepped back, threw a black hoodie at me and said
"You want to move on? Fine. Make it to the other side of the high school without me catching you, then I'll believe you when you say there is someone else. I'll let you walk away from this. From us.
But if I catch you, then no more of this nonsense. You stop holding back, stop finding excuses and stop fighting us. "
Without giving me time to process your words, You slammed your foot through the glass door, shattering it and pushed me into the dark and deserted school.
Whispering "Run"
The rest of the dream was more senses then visual. Running so hard my heart was pounding through the dream. Hearing the security alarm going off. The whole school dark, the layout familiar and strange at the same time. Somewhere in the back of my mind was the rationale part of me screaming about breaking and entry and felonies. But it was drowned out by the screaming of the alarm, the beating of my heart and the thrill of knowing you were also in the dark... searching for me.
I'm at a full sprint when your hands closed on my hips. You weren't even out of breathe.
The alarm stopped going off, and your voice whispered in my ear
"I don't run to train for marathons. I run so that when I have my chance with you, there is no way you can get away without me stealing every once of your breathe first."*
I woke up out of breathe
I can't capture the strength of the dream, but indulge me
I dreamt that I called you. I had to tell you that I had met someone. You deserved to know. Even though we weren't together, even though there were no promises between us. You deserved to know.
You were silent for so long that I began to believe you had disconnected. That once again there would be nothing but silence to remember you by.
"Meet me at the high school. In ten minutes."
Click.
Suddenly I was standing outside the dark doors of the high school. Waiting for you. Not for long. You appeared as suddenly as I had. The way it often happens in dreams. I opened my mouth to explain, to make you understand. Instead of listening passively, you kissed me. Hard. Then, just as quickly you stepped back, threw a black hoodie at me and said
"You want to move on? Fine. Make it to the other side of the high school without me catching you, then I'll believe you when you say there is someone else. I'll let you walk away from this. From us.
But if I catch you, then no more of this nonsense. You stop holding back, stop finding excuses and stop fighting us. "
Without giving me time to process your words, You slammed your foot through the glass door, shattering it and pushed me into the dark and deserted school.
Whispering "Run"
The rest of the dream was more senses then visual. Running so hard my heart was pounding through the dream. Hearing the security alarm going off. The whole school dark, the layout familiar and strange at the same time. Somewhere in the back of my mind was the rationale part of me screaming about breaking and entry and felonies. But it was drowned out by the screaming of the alarm, the beating of my heart and the thrill of knowing you were also in the dark... searching for me.
I'm at a full sprint when your hands closed on my hips. You weren't even out of breathe.
The alarm stopped going off, and your voice whispered in my ear
"I don't run to train for marathons. I run so that when I have my chance with you, there is no way you can get away without me stealing every once of your breathe first."*
I woke up out of breathe
Friday, August 19, 2011
Vagabond Season
I've been very bad about writing.
That happens when I run about the country.
I don't think I ever wrote about my DC trip in May
Or the Idaho Wedding in June
Or the California day trip in July.
Or the beach house in July... oh wait, I did post pictures of that one.
I know I didn't write about my Seattle trip with Erin.
Sierra told me that the other night the family was saying a prayer before bed
and My brother who was praying at one point said
"and please watch over Sam, where ever the heck she may be"
Which currently is in Olympia Washington.
But yesterday was Seattle/Aurora
And two days before that was Huntington California.
And by Sunday will be Bainbridge Island.
I'm covered in scrapes and bruises. Both feet have blood blisters and regular blisters. My shoulders hurt from rowing. Yet I never feel so happy as I do when I'm on the road. When every day is a combination of spur of the moment decisions and luck.
Wanderlust: A strong innate desire to travel or roam about
For those of you who are visual learners...
A brief look of Seattle with Jess so far
This, this is a happymess
That happens when I run about the country.
I don't think I ever wrote about my DC trip in May
Or the Idaho Wedding in June
Or the California day trip in July.
Or the beach house in July... oh wait, I did post pictures of that one.
I know I didn't write about my Seattle trip with Erin.
Sierra told me that the other night the family was saying a prayer before bed
and My brother who was praying at one point said
"and please watch over Sam, where ever the heck she may be"
Which currently is in Olympia Washington.
But yesterday was Seattle/Aurora
And two days before that was Huntington California.
And by Sunday will be Bainbridge Island.
I'm covered in scrapes and bruises. Both feet have blood blisters and regular blisters. My shoulders hurt from rowing. Yet I never feel so happy as I do when I'm on the road. When every day is a combination of spur of the moment decisions and luck.
Wanderlust: A strong innate desire to travel or roam about
For those of you who are visual learners...
A brief look of Seattle with Jess so far
This, this is a happymess
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