Saturday, November 20, 2010

It's the little things sometimes

I had hoped that by writing about Robin I would magically feel better, that the situation would be better and that life could continue as it was before.

Not surprisingly to everyone but me.. it didn't work that way.

I'm not sleeping well. The night terrors are back in full force. I don't remember them much, just wisps of images and shadows on the edge of my memory. I can see The Boy is torn between letting me grieve and trying to make me happy. Which would be sweet if I wasn't so distracted. I've spent the last few days mostly in my own head.

Today I got home from work and just crawled into bed with The Boy. Unfortunately me crawling under the covers woke The Boy up. My heart was set on sleeping at least a little bit, so I promised him he could wake me up in 2 hours.

Those 2 hours went by way too quickly.

Now, you should know, I can be pretty shifty when I want to keep sleeping. I mean, I will flat out lie.
"Ugh, I'm not feeling very good"
"No Mckenna, I'm not going to wear a braid again. I'll get up in 5 min to do my hair"
"Just 15 more minutes.."
"Oh that's not my alarm, that's Lachelle's"
"The meeting was canceled"
"I'm up I'm up"
"It's a snow day..?"

So The Boy is being persestant about me being concious. The jerk. I mumble something about needing 5 more minutes. He doesn't get the hint (or ignores it) and keeps poking me.

Boy - Saaamm Wake up. I lonely.
Me - mumble mumble
Boy - Please? I want to play, I want to go out. Wake up!
Me - Go play with the dog. Bodhi likes you.
Boy - Bodhi isn't good company all he does is run up to me with his rope and
Says "throw the rope"
So I throw the rope. Then Bodhi runs up to me and says "Throw the rope"
I try to wrestle with him... he thinks I'm trying to steal his rope and
he runs away.
I mean it's fun for an hour, but now I'm over it.

Sadly, this is a very accurate description of the dog.
And my life.

Thank Hera for The Boy. He's going to get me through this.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Many lifetimes ago, I worked at a fortune 500 company. Within a few months I was promoted to the training staff. I was 22 and lost. In my job, in my romantic life, in all paths actually. I was 22 and I was already resigned to my life.

Enter Robin.

She was in my first training class. Blonde, sweet and excitable we instantly became friends. I'm still not sure how much older Robin is then me, somewhere in her thirties or forties. It's hard to put an age on her, she contains a mixture of gaiety, experience, and hope. Life had clearly knocked her down a few times, but Robin remains unfazed. She was eager to learn and in typically Robin fashion she attacked the job with gusto, rising to become a fellow team lead with me maybe six months after we first met. She was good at her job, she was good with her underlings and she was determined.

Robin is the ultimate free spirit, wild child and hippie. Our boss had joked that she hired her mostly because her resume was so random she had to get to know her better. Robin had done everything from working as a professional clown to working in a small town near the ski slopes making zilch just so she could spend all her time and money on fresh powdered snow. At one point she decided that she wanted to see all the states in America, so she got a job as a truck driver. She made it to every state except Hawaii, Alaska and South Dakota. Robin lived the life she wanted to live. And she lived that life where ever the wind happened to blow her. When she went to Vegas with her boyfriend and a few friends, someone drunkenly suggested that it wouldn't be Vegas without a wedding. Without missing a beat Robin was married a few hours later. But for all her free living ways, Robin has a practical streak a mile wide in her. Her life settled down drastically with the arrival of her son. Realizing that her marriage was falling apart, she left. Took her 1 year old son and lived successfully as a single mother for the next 9 years. She saw the job we shared as a way to make life easier for her and her son even if it wasn't her dream job. The first year she worked there she called out sick 3 times. THE WHOLE YEAR.

I can't sum up Robin. It's taken me 20 minutes to write the above paragraph. I keep trying to capture her essence in nice neat little sentences and I can't. I can't explain how she was so good at her job but so excitable that we use to joke about having to pull her claws out of the ceiling like a cat. Or within only a few months of knowing each other she brought in a postcard for me that had a signpost that said "lost" instead of a street name. Robin taught Cliff to juggle in an effort to distract him from how much he hated his job. She helped me with the office pranks. She was a tireless defender when she felt one of her friends was not treated right.

I went through my reservation road break up while I worked with her. I've never been a big crier, but there was one day when my heart was heavy and bleak. Robin was like me, hating to show weakness and would never dream of crying in public. Imagine my surprise when she told me in soft tones about her divorce and told me to expect days feeling nothing but relief that I was finally free of a bad situation. Then there would be days when I would feel so crushed, feel the impact of my failure and feel like the sun would never rise again. She told me it was ok to have days like that, that it was part of the healing process.

I worked every day with her for almost two years. When I told her I was leaving for Hawaii she squealed and jumped up and down with me. Even though she knew I would never go back to that job. For almost two years she was one of my closest confidants.

We never fully lost touch. When I started my job at the Keg she was there opening night. We did a few pool days, I'd stop by the office a couple times and a few girls nights out that left blurry, happy memories. We talked on the phone a couple times a month, then a once a month, then a couple times a year. We never stopped loving each other, life just kept getting in the way. We probably made plans to do dinner six different times this last summer. It always fell through. But it was ok, we both understood how life gets.

She called me on my birthday. I was excited and surprised. She laughed and told me "I'm good with dates. As long as you live I'll never forget your birthday. So don't change your number, cause I'm always going to call you".

Robin went in for a routine surgery on Friday. She was sent home and was healing slowly. Sunday she aspirated. We don't know how long she went without oxygen. She's been ICU since Sunday night.

She has a 1% chance of waking up. If she does she will have severe brain damage.

Robin, I'm sorry my words fail you. I'm sorry I can't explain to the world what it is losing.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Just a taste

Halloween weekend was spent in Texas this year.

With The Boy's family. At a renaissance faire. Which meant that we got to wear costumes on TWO days instead of just one. Drink and eat all sorts of yummy foods while walking around staring at all the vendors and shows. So much fun.

I'm sure I'll write more about it in the next day or two. But for now, just know this:

I met Sampson this weekend and I think I love him. I've already asked The Boy if I can have him for christmas. The Boy said no, but I'm pretty sure he's just trying to trick me so I'll be surprised on Christmas day.

Clearly we are meant to be together.