It was only a matter of time until I got sick again.
I was just hoping to put it off for a few more weeks... let me get the holiday crazy out of the way.
But I've been burnt out for the last three months, between work and overtime and standby and school and tests and papers and finals and bodhi and hard decisions and life plans suddenly being dashed to the ground.
Did you know that plans can smash into a million tiny pieces and gluing them back together isn't an option because the pieces are just that tiny. You stand there looking at the floor, aghast , slightly panicked and mostly devastated. You take the bigger shards and try to salvage them but really, without the all the pieces it just doesn't work.
Between the frantic scrabbling as I try to figure out what path my life is now going to take for the next six months, the increasing bouts of darkness and depression that I'm fighting valiantly, and all the holiday plans/friends/events that refuse to wait despite my moods resembling a s storm.
What I need is a vacation. A small break away from reality. What I get instead is a head cold and scratchy throat.
It's like I pissed off life and now she's being all passive aggressive on my ass.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A Sad Story
It's been three weeks and I'm still not sure I can write this.
In fact I'm sure of it, details are out of the questions.
So I'll give you the short version.
Three weeks ago Bodhi bit me.
Only he didn't just bite me. He sunk his teeth in, let go, reattached and did his best to take my arm off. It sounds dramatic, but I'm honestly not sure what would have happened if Matt hadn't been there with his steel toed boots.
Thank the greek gods that my arm wasn't broken and that the tendon damage was minimal. I'm still not back up to full use of my wrist.
As I agonised over what to do and tried to avoid the phone calls from Rabies and Animal Control, Bodhi Bit Jess. Without growling or any warning. It wasn't near as vicious as his attack on me but the bite was deep.
During that week people would see my arm, gasp, and ask what happened. As I told the story, again and again, something dawned on me.
I was in a abusive relationship with my dog.
I'd start off by telling people that Bodhi is always such a good dog. Very smart and always so good. And really the bite was my fault, I put myself between him and the other dogs. The viciousness, that was just because he was scared and didn't realize it was me he was biting. Well, yes he had bitten other people, but there were very good reasons for those. And most of them were before I even had him. And after I had him it's because he was being protective of me.... And he's never done too much damage. I mean most of the time...
But him biting Jess so soon after his attack on me? I couldn't explain that away.
I'd trail off and realize that just because I love that dog more then I've loved any human being besides my siblings, that wasn't enough. All those disney movies that told me that love could change everyone, they lied. In the following week I talked to vets, dog behaviorists, the K9 trainers for the police department. Told them how smart Bodhi was, how much of a lovebug he was, how I could let him run off leash while I jogged and he listened. We'd have conversations. He could tell when I was upset. He did drive by lickings. He was a good dog. He just had a history of biting.
They all told me the same thing. That I had no choice. That he was a biter by the time I got him and really the only reason he hadn't attacked before this was because of how safe he felt with me. But now it was only a matter of time before he bit a child, or did something that required surgery.
I cried for two weeks straight. I'd probably still be crying but I'm relatively sure I ran out of tears.
It was the hardest decision I've had to make. I won't tell you about the dark places that my mind dwelled. In my job I deal with domestic abusive relationships all. the. time. I've never been able to wrap my mind around the fact that these women (and men) stay in such violite situations. Now I get it. A part of me didn't care if he bit me again, I couldn't lose my dog. And surely if I just kept him from situations that made him feel aggressive then we'd be ok. And sure I was a little jumpy around him, sure my gut clenched every time he moved his head too quickly but I'd get over that fear.. right?
The comparisions kept building. I couldn't deny it anymore.
I've said for years that I don't believe in love. I mean, I know love is real, I feel it for my siblings. But the romantic love that lasts forever is just not something I can buy into.
But I loved Bodhi. Like my child.
Losing him has been a heartache that I can't imagine going through again.
It made me realize, if this is depth of feeling is what other people feel in relationships....
Why the fuck do they keep looking for love?
In fact I'm sure of it, details are out of the questions.
So I'll give you the short version.
Three weeks ago Bodhi bit me.
Only he didn't just bite me. He sunk his teeth in, let go, reattached and did his best to take my arm off. It sounds dramatic, but I'm honestly not sure what would have happened if Matt hadn't been there with his steel toed boots.
Thank the greek gods that my arm wasn't broken and that the tendon damage was minimal. I'm still not back up to full use of my wrist.
As I agonised over what to do and tried to avoid the phone calls from Rabies and Animal Control, Bodhi Bit Jess. Without growling or any warning. It wasn't near as vicious as his attack on me but the bite was deep.
During that week people would see my arm, gasp, and ask what happened. As I told the story, again and again, something dawned on me.
I was in a abusive relationship with my dog.
I'd start off by telling people that Bodhi is always such a good dog. Very smart and always so good. And really the bite was my fault, I put myself between him and the other dogs. The viciousness, that was just because he was scared and didn't realize it was me he was biting. Well, yes he had bitten other people, but there were very good reasons for those. And most of them were before I even had him. And after I had him it's because he was being protective of me.... And he's never done too much damage. I mean most of the time...
But him biting Jess so soon after his attack on me? I couldn't explain that away.
I'd trail off and realize that just because I love that dog more then I've loved any human being besides my siblings, that wasn't enough. All those disney movies that told me that love could change everyone, they lied. In the following week I talked to vets, dog behaviorists, the K9 trainers for the police department. Told them how smart Bodhi was, how much of a lovebug he was, how I could let him run off leash while I jogged and he listened. We'd have conversations. He could tell when I was upset. He did drive by lickings. He was a good dog. He just had a history of biting.
They all told me the same thing. That I had no choice. That he was a biter by the time I got him and really the only reason he hadn't attacked before this was because of how safe he felt with me. But now it was only a matter of time before he bit a child, or did something that required surgery.
I cried for two weeks straight. I'd probably still be crying but I'm relatively sure I ran out of tears.
It was the hardest decision I've had to make. I won't tell you about the dark places that my mind dwelled. In my job I deal with domestic abusive relationships all. the. time. I've never been able to wrap my mind around the fact that these women (and men) stay in such violite situations. Now I get it. A part of me didn't care if he bit me again, I couldn't lose my dog. And surely if I just kept him from situations that made him feel aggressive then we'd be ok. And sure I was a little jumpy around him, sure my gut clenched every time he moved his head too quickly but I'd get over that fear.. right?
The comparisions kept building. I couldn't deny it anymore.
I've said for years that I don't believe in love. I mean, I know love is real, I feel it for my siblings. But the romantic love that lasts forever is just not something I can buy into.
But I loved Bodhi. Like my child.
Losing him has been a heartache that I can't imagine going through again.
It made me realize, if this is depth of feeling is what other people feel in relationships....
Why the fuck do they keep looking for love?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Traces of what could have been
Mckenna had a baby.
And I love him.
Then
An old friend (like someone I haven't talked to since elementary school) found me on facebook. And then she had the nerve to post a link to her blog. And because I have a sickness and have to read every scrap of word that I find (blogs are like crack to me) (even badly written blogs), I spent two hours last night reading her about her life. Reading about how very very different it is from mine.
More importantly, how very similar it could have been to mine if I had not drastically swerved off from the path I was on at age twenty one.
At twenty one I was walking down the path that most girls from my religon were walking. Decent job, a little bit of an education, a little bit of travel under my belt and marriage and children and white picket fences were right on the horizon.
Thankfully, with the help of some amazing friends who knew me better then myself, I came to the realization that I was miserable. That that particular lifestyle was not the one for me. So I blindly picked a new path and ran down it as fast as I could. It wasn't until I was hitchhiking across Kona a year later that I finally pulled up short and stopped blindly running. At that point I picked a new path and have been (mostly) happily skipping down the road.
However every once in a while I see ghost reflections of the path I could have been on. As I held Mckenna's beautiful little boy and automatically fell into the bouncing walk that I used to do with Sierra, it wasn't surprising that I felt a surreal vision of the little child that could have been mine. I came home that night and was washing dishes and I didn't have to stretch my imagination to hear children laughing and playing with trucks at my feet. Reading the blog entries from my long lost friend isn't helping with the weird de ja vue. Can you get de ja vue from a life you haven't lived?
After reading that I was in a bit of a fog. Trying to analyze my feelings. Was I feeling regret? No. Was I baby hungry? God no, not for my own at least. Was I babysitting hungry..? Yeah that felt more accurate. Was I unhappy? No again.
As I wandered around the house in a trance, Jess came bounding into the room. She chattered my ear off and dragged me into the bathroom to dye her hair a new shade of red/brown. At one in the morning. And just like that I snapped out of it. Giggling, with red dye on my hands and spraying Jess with the detachable shower head, with our mutts barking disapproval at us, I realized "oh yeah. My life is awesome". My path isn't what I thought it would be. But damn is it fun.
And I love him.
Then
An old friend (like someone I haven't talked to since elementary school) found me on facebook. And then she had the nerve to post a link to her blog. And because I have a sickness and have to read every scrap of word that I find (blogs are like crack to me) (even badly written blogs), I spent two hours last night reading her about her life. Reading about how very very different it is from mine.
More importantly, how very similar it could have been to mine if I had not drastically swerved off from the path I was on at age twenty one.
At twenty one I was walking down the path that most girls from my religon were walking. Decent job, a little bit of an education, a little bit of travel under my belt and marriage and children and white picket fences were right on the horizon.
Thankfully, with the help of some amazing friends who knew me better then myself, I came to the realization that I was miserable. That that particular lifestyle was not the one for me. So I blindly picked a new path and ran down it as fast as I could. It wasn't until I was hitchhiking across Kona a year later that I finally pulled up short and stopped blindly running. At that point I picked a new path and have been (mostly) happily skipping down the road.
However every once in a while I see ghost reflections of the path I could have been on. As I held Mckenna's beautiful little boy and automatically fell into the bouncing walk that I used to do with Sierra, it wasn't surprising that I felt a surreal vision of the little child that could have been mine. I came home that night and was washing dishes and I didn't have to stretch my imagination to hear children laughing and playing with trucks at my feet. Reading the blog entries from my long lost friend isn't helping with the weird de ja vue. Can you get de ja vue from a life you haven't lived?
After reading that I was in a bit of a fog. Trying to analyze my feelings. Was I feeling regret? No. Was I baby hungry? God no, not for my own at least. Was I babysitting hungry..? Yeah that felt more accurate. Was I unhappy? No again.
As I wandered around the house in a trance, Jess came bounding into the room. She chattered my ear off and dragged me into the bathroom to dye her hair a new shade of red/brown. At one in the morning. And just like that I snapped out of it. Giggling, with red dye on my hands and spraying Jess with the detachable shower head, with our mutts barking disapproval at us, I realized "oh yeah. My life is awesome". My path isn't what I thought it would be. But damn is it fun.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Gems Found in Books
"Do you know the secret of the stones?" she asked as she reached into the stream.
"What secret is that?"
"If you hold it in your hand and listen to it, listen close enough it will tell you a story."
"What story did it tell you?'
"Once there was a boy who came to the water," she said. "This is the story of a girl who came to the water with the boy. They talked and the boy threw the stones as if casting them away from himself. The girl didn't have any stones, so the boy gave her some. Then she gave herself to the boy, and he cast her away as a he would a stone, unmindful of any falling she might feel."
"It's a sad stone then?"
"No, not sad. But it was thrown once. It knows the feel of motion. It has trouble staying the way most stones do. It takes the offer that the water makes and moves sometimes. When it moves it thinks about the boy"
It's hard not to love an author who understands the beauty, allure and isolation that comes from loving movement.
New favorite author? Maybe. Just Maybe
"What secret is that?"
"If you hold it in your hand and listen to it, listen close enough it will tell you a story."
"What story did it tell you?'
"Once there was a boy who came to the water," she said. "This is the story of a girl who came to the water with the boy. They talked and the boy threw the stones as if casting them away from himself. The girl didn't have any stones, so the boy gave her some. Then she gave herself to the boy, and he cast her away as a he would a stone, unmindful of any falling she might feel."
"It's a sad stone then?"
"No, not sad. But it was thrown once. It knows the feel of motion. It has trouble staying the way most stones do. It takes the offer that the water makes and moves sometimes. When it moves it thinks about the boy"
It's hard not to love an author who understands the beauty, allure and isolation that comes from loving movement.
New favorite author? Maybe. Just Maybe
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Dreaming Big
I've been making plans.
Wild plans.
Plans that I didn't think would see the light of day.
But it turns out that things are shaping up to be a perfect storm of oppertunity.
So many things falling in just the right places.
And Jess is just as foolhardy, adventures, wild and crazy as a girl could ask for.
I don't want to say anything yet. Don't want to jinx it.
But as soon as it stops being a dream and progresses to the planning stages
and it's almost there
I'll tell you all about it.
You'll be so proud.
And horrified
And maybe a little jealous
Is it the smart thing to do? Maybe not. But I've been smart for three years now. And I don't know if an oppertunity like this will come around again in the next ten years. Hell, I didn't expect it to fall into my lap, not at this point in my life. But the cliff is there... just waiting for me to jump. And for the first time ever, I have a partner who is willing to jump with me.
Wild plans.
Plans that I didn't think would see the light of day.
But it turns out that things are shaping up to be a perfect storm of oppertunity.
So many things falling in just the right places.
And Jess is just as foolhardy, adventures, wild and crazy as a girl could ask for.
I don't want to say anything yet. Don't want to jinx it.
But as soon as it stops being a dream and progresses to the planning stages
and it's almost there
I'll tell you all about it.
You'll be so proud.
And horrified
And maybe a little jealous
Is it the smart thing to do? Maybe not. But I've been smart for three years now. And I don't know if an oppertunity like this will come around again in the next ten years. Hell, I didn't expect it to fall into my lap, not at this point in my life. But the cliff is there... just waiting for me to jump. And for the first time ever, I have a partner who is willing to jump with me.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Theft
With slight changes...
Hey Andy and/or other musically gifted friends. Think you could update this song with less country and more blues/rockabilly for me. I'd adore you for ever if you could
I ain't never been with a man long enough
For my boots to get old
We've been together so long now
They both need resoled
If I ever settle down
You'd be my kind
And it's a good time for me
To head on down the line
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
I'm the kinda woman likes to get away
Like to start dreaming about
Tomorrow, today
Never said that I love you
even though it's so
Where's that duffle bag of mine?
It's time to go
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
I'm gonna be leaving
At the break of dawn
Wish you could come
But I don't need no man tagging along
I'll sneak out that door
Couldn't stand to see you cry
I'd stay another year if I saw teardrops in your eyes
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
I never had a damn thing, but what I had
I had to leave it behind
You're the hardest thing
I ever tried to get off my mind
Always something greener on the other side of that hill
I was born a wrangler and a rounder
And I guess I always will
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
Hey Andy and/or other musically gifted friends. Think you could update this song with less country and more blues/rockabilly for me. I'd adore you for ever if you could
I ain't never been with a man long enough
For my boots to get old
We've been together so long now
They both need resoled
If I ever settle down
You'd be my kind
And it's a good time for me
To head on down the line
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
I'm the kinda woman likes to get away
Like to start dreaming about
Tomorrow, today
Never said that I love you
even though it's so
Where's that duffle bag of mine?
It's time to go
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
I'm gonna be leaving
At the break of dawn
Wish you could come
But I don't need no man tagging along
I'll sneak out that door
Couldn't stand to see you cry
I'd stay another year if I saw teardrops in your eyes
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
I never had a damn thing, but what I had
I had to leave it behind
You're the hardest thing
I ever tried to get off my mind
Always something greener on the other side of that hill
I was born a wrangler and a rounder
And I guess I always will
Heard it in a love song [3x]
Can't be wrong
Friday, September 2, 2011
An Ode to Little Miss
I was twelve when Sierra was born. I had to wait through four brothers before I finally got the little sister I had been asking for. Her timing was a little rough though. In order to bring her into this world mom had her first C-section and Dad had surgery on his back just days before. So I spent the first two weeks of her life holding her. With both parental units bedridden I was the one walking the floors with the newborn. I discovered that the giant exercise balls was perfect to sit on and bounce a crying baby while watching black and white movies. Looking back on it I realize two things. 1) that ball and constant bouncing is probably the reason Sierra will never suffer motion sickness. 2) I'm shocked I didn't kill us both with that ball.
I used to sing Sierra to sleep almost every night and to this day she is still the only one who knows just how awful my voice is. When I got home from dance practice I'd hold her in my arms and walk through the steps in the kitchen (tile makes spinning easier). And I watched Lion King over and over again with her while discreetly working on homework.
One night stands out clearly. Sierra was about one and a half, maybe two years old. I was trying to get her to lay down for the night. She had the giggles, was just plain slap happy. Her laughter was bright, happy and innocent and so very infectious. And just as suddenly she curled up in my lap and cashed out. I sat there with her against my chest for an hour, just holding her warm little body. I remember thinking, as long as she is happy and loves me... that's all I need in my life. I will have lived my life right if I can keep her that way.
Adults have been telling me since I was 19 that my biological clock will start ticking. Any day now. But what they don't understand is that I already raised my family. I already had my baby. And she's 14 years old and beautiful and sweet and smart as a whip. She's a swimmer and already swimming varsity even though she's a freshman.
Congrats on your first high school swim meet little squirt.
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