Moving On

Pack your bags Buffy.

You've been replaced.






However.
David Boreanaz, you can stay.

No title. Just blog

Training was extremely rough on me today.

Like "I'm throwing my notebook dramatically on the floor, saying fuck you to anyone who looked at me funny and walk out" bad day.

The only bit of good that came out of work was finding out that I didn't have to come into work until 10am tomorrow. A whole 4 hours later then normal.

So what did I do with the extra time I was granted from the very gods on mount olympus?

Did I go work out?
Did I spend time with my family?
Did I clean house?
Grocery shop?

If you answered yes to any of the above then you are clearly a blogstalker and don't know me at all.

Instead of being productive the boy kidnapped me, held me hostage at a friends house, force fed me homemade chicken pot pie and red wine. He even bullied me into laughing until I cried.

He's a big ole meanie head.

I'm awful lucky to have him.
(wow that was mushy)(yuck)

Breathe life into this feeble heart

Today I feel vulnerable.
Which is an unfamiliar emotion for me.

I'm used to feeling happy. Feeling a little wild. Or feeling restless. That's a common emotion. I'm used to feeling antisocial but not in a bitter way. I often feel mischievous. There's times I feel anxiety or stress. Sometimes I feel sore and sometimes I feel lazy. Occasionally I feel apathetic. Or mad.

But I rarely feel vulnerable.
Vulnerable: from Latin vulnerāre, to wound

1. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

2. Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).

3. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

4. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

5. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

And no, the repeat of D is not an accident.

When this feeling hits me it almost always hits me at night. When it's dark and the world is sleeping and all my bad decisions loom up before me.

95% of the time I love being me. There's been some rocky moments, some rocky months even. But I like the life I've created for myself. And I love that I can truthfully say I created this life. I'm not where I am because my parents made my decisions for me. I've worked hard to get and keep this new job. I've made and kept fabulous friends over the years. I do a lot of fun things (even if it means I don't have a savings account). I'm really blessed.

The only downside to making all my own decisions? There's no safety net. No one to blame if it blows up in my face. Which it does occasionally. Sometimes it creates a mess that is fun to play in. Sometimes it burns.

And when those rare occasions occur and I don't feel strong, or independent? When I feel vulnerable?

Well, that's when I wish for you. To put your arms around me. Just until the dawn comes.

Dear Santa. Wait, what do you mean Christmas is over?!

It's no secret that I have a wee problem with saving.
My bills are always paid on time but overall I'm an impulse buyer instead of a planner.

Ok actually you could scratch out the word buyer. There's not an ounce of planning in me. Just impulse. Thank Hera I'm cautious.

Oh wait.

So..
2009 was probably the most consecutively fun year I've had. However. It was also a year of waitressing and generally being broke. So now I have this fabulous job that makes me oodles of money. And I have a whole years worth of stuff that I want.

Things I want to buy:

A trip to Europe
A trip to DC to visit Mckenna and Ryan
A trip to Vegas to visit with Mr.Andy
A motorcyle
A new laptop
Tickets to see cirque du soleil
Tickets to see Muse
Tickets to see John Mayer
A jeep
A new wardrobe
A trip to costa rica or Brazil. I'll go with either
More random stuff for my house
A pony


Now, how much from the above list will I actually get/buy?
Well. If I learn how to stick to my budget. And work overtime. And stay home instead of going out. And don't get sick. And Miss Havisham ( my car) doesn't break down. And I don't get distracted and buy something on a whim..

I may be able to cross off two or three from the list.

Or I could always burn my debit card

A Year In Pictures (Cause I'm original)

(disclaimer: these are not in order. mostly because I don't remember the exact order everything happened but also because this stupid site doesn't allow me to upload pictures in the order I want. stupid website. )



2009 in color

I got a shiny new tattoo.

At some point I cut off all my hair
(and went to a goth club!)

Gypsy entered my life for a few months

These two officially became FAMILY

And Thursday officially became FAMILY days
(which include sushi, drinks, phase 10 and more drinks )

I did a lot of shots

2009 was also the summer of water
Also our first family vacation

I ate way too many sweets

Took my family to the river

Saw a surprising amount of midnight showings

And a lot of 3-d as well

Then Erica joined our family

I moved in with Ryan again at some point
and we did the pool thing. A lot

I went to my first spring training game

And took a mini road trip to see San Xavier

Had an Alice In Wonderland moment

Found out I'm terrified of ostriches and their beaks

But that I like birds and they like me

I attended A LOT of parties for work

Learned to play beer pong (badly)

Made lots of great friends at work

And even went on roadtrips to the beach with them

I trained for a triathlan that I didn't end up doing

Spent quite a few days like this with these girls

Saw Kings of Leon live with this pretty girl

Had a fabulous mini high school reunion..

..With these amazing people

Spent three days in Mexico

Learned I love roadtrips with this girl

Went to Utah to see my favorite Utah people
and only took two pictures.
Cause I suck

Attended what was probably the most enjoyable wedding ever

Hiked and camped at Fossil Springs

And had a hell of a halloween..

As zombie and zombie hunters

Sadly, my year in pictures end with Halloween.
Mostly because I started a new job that demands all of my time and soul.
So while I did live thru Nov. and Dec. there really isn't any proof.

2009 you treated me pretty well.

Updates For Everyone

Quick update: Christmas was good. Lots of presents were had. Lots of drinks consumed and many hands were bruised thanks to a fabulous game called Slamwich. Then four days off from work. Which was also good. I learned exactly how awful I am at Xbox games. I also learned that The Boy is very patient. But most importantly- Jackson entered my life. Jackson was given to me in a shiny box with an apple on it. He's from a distingushed family of itouches. It's been a songless year since Timmy died and to be honest I wasn't sure I was ready to replace him. It's been a year since I've had an ipod and I really thought that I was ok without one. I listened to the radio or Pandora at the house. Jackson has been in my life for four whole days and I swear I will never be without some form of ipod ever again. The happiness he brings me is without equal. Listening to The Cold War Kids while shopping for books = heaven. It was weird to realize that I've been at my "new" job for three months now. It was also weird to realize that despite the stress and overall insaneness of the job I really do like it. My schedule changes every two weeks so my social life has been limping along but I love that it keeps changing. When I've worked 9-5 Mon-Thur type jobs before I would feel claustrophobic. As of Jan 4 we switch to three 12 hour shifts a week. Which means 4 days off a week. Which totally rocks my world. The downside of all this fabulousness? I'm making oddles of money but I'm also spending oddles of money. Saving does not appear to be in my vocabulary. I'm really hoping this 2012 stuff is real. Cause I doubt I'll have any kind of savings set aside. If I ever have to depend on what I've saved in order to buy food, I'll starve. Unless Jackson happens to double as food. PS. Mckenna and Ryan are in town!

How Do You Breathe?

It's seven am. I've been off work since five am. I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance that I recorded. Drinking hard cider (which tastes much better then beer) and feeling slightly sad. I love this show. LOVE. It's much better then Dancing With The Stars. because this isn't just fading celebrities who need attention but actual real dancers who love what they do with so much passion that even my nondancing boyfriend loves it. So as a burned out dancer, I love it. But sometimes it makes me sad to watch it. Once upon a time I loved dancing. I devoted my life to it. Breathed it. But as Erin tells her little school children "life is hard" and mom and dad could no longer afford lessons and I went to work at the family store (really, we had a family store. How little house on the prairie is that? Turns out, not so much) So watching SYTYCD I can't help but wonder if I would have made it past auditions. If life had been slightly different would I be warming up backstage for some show at night instead of running on some treadmill every night just to get enough exercise so I can sleep at night? Some things you can't quit. I still dance in my kitchen while cooking. When I turn, I do so on my toes. If a boy spins me... I'll confess my love. I still look for a decent salsa club and I still think I can convince the boyfriend that ballroom lessons is what he really wants for christmas. I know dance is something I write about alot, mostly with regret, but I writing is theraputic and since I'm not likely to become a professional dancer at this age, I write. But I think we all have something that we are holding on to. Whether its a passion that we couldn't fulfill or a love that went wrong. So hopefully when I'm writing on my unfullfilled love for dance, you are dwelling on whatever or whoever it was that got away from you. I think mankind was made for passions. Grand, poem sprouting passion. And I think we are taught to be ashamed of showing such passion (unless it's vampire related) so we let go of what we love because we're told we need to grow up. We get jobs that involve computers and costumer service while we silently dream of dancing or soccer or comic book creating. Isn't it sad to realize your parents crushed your dreams when they thought they were preparing you for the real world. And maybe they were. Maybe a 9-5 job is what the real world is all about. But It's one thing to have given up on a dream. It's another to have a dream replaced with responsibility that shouldn't have been yours. "It must have been love, but it's over now"